Recently, I asked AI to analyze this blog, and to tell me about the writing style. It came back with the response that it is DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, in its orientation. I agree. I’m not a DBT therapist; however, I am informed in this area. It got me thinking about why I’m where I am.
I’m a child of the ’60s and ’70s, and so my parents showed emotions that conveyed to us what they were feeling. Neither yelled at us. When we were young, my older siblings and I got “the eye” that came along with “kids.” We knew we’d crossed a line and were able to regulate ourselves. That was the plus side of how I was raised. The downside is that I was sheltered from seeing anger.
Children need to have exposure to both positive and negative emotions, and they need to experience a wide range of emotions and feelings so that when they reach adulthood, they’ll be able to cope with all of them, or know when to seek help in dealing with what they are struggling with. Children need to have the experience of learning how to soothe themselves, and to know that parents will stand by and give positive feedback in this area.
My first exposure to people who struggled with difficult anger was in junior high. They had a “CO,” or cooling-off room. I’d walk by this room, and I’d think that it was a strange place to need to be.
The only outwardly angry relative I had was an aunt. I labeled her as dysfunctional because of her lack of control. In the 2000s, she’d be referred to a DBT program for therapy.
The plus side of the CO room was that anger was recognized and interventions could be made to enable those in the room to cool down and return to the classroom and interact properly. I was fortunate in that I came from a fairly functional home and learned enough good stuff to cope with most things.
What does that room have to do with children today? I’ve written about Joyce, and how my mother would send her to her room to sit on her bed and think about what she’d done wrong. It worked because there were no toys for her to play with in that space. She would sit on her bed, and she’d think. Today that doesn’t work because many children have things that easily distract them in their rooms. Joyce would sit on her bed and come out on her own when she was able to do so.
I think that there were a few things that my parents did that were helpful. I was raised without a television in the home. We didn’t get one until I was in my teens. I spent my free time curled up in my favorite reading chair with a stack of books. I also engaged in play by myself and with others. I could ask to go to a friend’s house, walk there, and be home by dinner time. In this way, my generation had something many children don’t have now. I’m thankful that staying out until the streetlights were on was a thing! We learned to play, make our own rules, and negotiate with friends. We had to learn to regulate ourselves.
The negative part of this is that children would be bullied. The damage from bullying was not recognized and, consequently, some of my peers suffered great emotional damage from bullying.
Then people numbed their feelings with alcohol and other drugs, and today the odds are someone will numb themselves with primo weed. Yes, the times have changed.
There is still a need to learn how to regulate one’s emotions.
Back then, we got hit with magazine ads and television marketing. Today the marketers have intensified their efforts, and now screen time is a real issue.
The younger clients I see are struggling with higher rates of anxiety and higher pressure to perform in ways my generation never faced. Now children are being targeted, and many parents are themselves grasping at straws as they attempt to figure out parenting.
I’m not a fan of “gentle” parenting. I believe it leaves children confused about healthy vs. unhealthy emotions, anger being one of them. I believe that people are staying in abusive relationships because they fail to understand that they don’t need to tolerate such things.
Children need to see appropriate anger modeled for them. They need to be told no, and they need to learn how to soothe themselves and not have parents or a screen rescue them. They need to learn that sometimes Mom or Dad can’t make it alright, and they need to be helped to understand the coping process. They need to understand that acceptance is a part of the process. Children need clear signals and messages.
Today’s children need to have adults respect them and apologize for wrongdoing. They also need to be taught to reciprocate when they are in the wrong. I believe we rush in too quickly with “tell _________ you’re sorry.” We also demand it as adults when they’ve done wrong. Allow a child time to process what they can and guide them to make their own choices.
Building healthy adult relationships begins at a young age. It begins with experiences that shape our minds in constructive ways. It’s OK to be angry, and it is good for us!
If you are interested in learning more about screens, self-soothing, and why children and younger adults suffer from high rates of anxiety, check out Jonathan Haidt’s work. You can learn from what I’ve written and read his books. He does good research.
I’m a big advocate for less screen for everyone and more direct person-to-person contact. Turn off the screen!
