Purge
I got mad, and I yelled at someone. I don’t like myself when I get that angry, and this weekend it happened, and I’m feeling it.
As I began to focus on the “why” of my anger, and where it came from, I realized that what I’d done to someone I care about was deeply hurtful. Could the healing between us take place?
I’m still in contemplation and prayer mode around this, and in sitting with what happened, the answer is yes, and you must care for each other to heal the pain, the wound, and the heart.
Learning about Relationships
My mother was big on keeping peace in the home. So, like with most parents, “say I’m sorry” was often used. The problem with that term is that most kids just say it and move forward. Children aren’t really taught about what it really means. I was told that if you say that you are sorry for something, you should work to not do it again. In theory, that is a nice thought. With most humans, we have to learn it by doing it wrong a few times, and then getting it right eventually. My mother also told me to think about it. That was actually helpful, and I could pocket it in my head and let it percolate on low and quiet until it made sense to me.
What does sorry mean? It means that you’ve thought about it, and you won’t do it again. Working towards what will become an apology means that you go deep into the soul and do the work that will enable you to purge your behavior of the wrongdoing. Jon was really good at this. Before I met him, I had the ability to go deep within and do the thinking, and to sit with my thoughts. What Jon taught me was the ability to root it out of myself. He taught me about purging oneself of one’s flaws. When he said that he wouldn’t do it again, he meant it. He’d purge himself of the behavior.
My mother might have wanted me to say the words and make nice. She wanted me to think about things. I needed to purge myself of the behavior and mean it to the core.
Some Rules
Forgiveness is a process of recognition and acceptance: recognition of what we did, and the acceptance of why we did it, and how we’ll work to repair it. It should be done between those affected. When we put it out for public consumption, it creates more damage. Keep if off threads and other forms of social media. There are some hurts and pain that need to be dealt with quietly and in private. Think about what you are posting, and why. To forgive each other is a process, and it takes time and deep thought. I don’t post things that are super personal. It tends to backfire!
Take your time to think, and to act. You most likely got into the mess you’re in because you didn’t think, or because you acted rapidly. Fast action creates further issues. Fast action is often impulsive. Sleep on it, get some distance, and then when calmer thoughts prevail, thoughtfully respond.
Reflecting
The sun is out today, and I am inside thinking and doing the work of Monday. I’ll take a walk, and I’ll focus on what I did that is causing me to feel awful: I got angry at a friend when I should have shut my mouth and listened. It wasn’t a good thing. Getting yelled at isn’t a good thing; doing the yelling isn’t a good thing. Being able to contemplate and forgive is a wonderful thing. Saying, and writing an apology is a needful ability in our lives. Accepting the apology will keep peace and purge the soul of the negative feelings. It’s all about the deep, inner purge.
