A Normal Part of Life
Grief and loss are a normal part of life, and the transitions we must make from them can be difficult and challenging—I’ve never known anyone who wants to experience grief and loss again.
It is a myth that grief has stages: recovery from loss is a process without rules or boxes to check off. The grief process is as individual as you are, and there is no right or wrong way of doing it.
The only thing consistent about grief is that it is messy and ugly. The different types of grief we may face are as varied as any individual.
Read more below about different types of grief and loss—and how to know when to seek help:
Death
While you may have grieved a loved one’s death with tears, someone else may have shut down and struggled to express the pain.
Perhaps you get comments from family and friends: “Aren’t you over that yet?”
Tell them firmly but politely: “No, I’m still working my way through it, and it’s going to take some time.”
Set boundaries and claim the space you need to heal.
Death by Suicide
The grief that stems from losing someone to suicide often involves emotional trauma such as finding a note or a body. While all grief causes what I call the “grief bubble,” with suicide this bubble is on steroids!
The pain from this type of loss affects us in ways that other loss does not. There are intense feelings of loss, despair, and blame: “How could they? What did I do, or not do? Why didn’t they leave a note? Why didn’t they say out loud what they said in the note?”
This is hard to deal with, and people often distance themselves from others in ways that they don’t do with other forms of grief and loss. Many don’t understand how it’s different. If those who grieve need to be heard, those who grieve a loved one’s suicide need even more listening. Being heard is crucial!
Life Transitions
You may have realized that what you have worked at for years is no longer serving you at all. The frustration, sadness, and uncertainty weigh heavily on you.
Perhaps your faith no longer serves your needs as it once did. You are in the dark night of the soul. You experience great sadness as a result, and you know it will be hard on those you love.
You acknowledge that you can head in a new direction. But how do you say goodbye to the old and welcome the new?
Any loss is hard. Even a loss that we know is coming, or that has a potentially positive outcome, is hard. Transitions mean that we have to face ourselves in new ways.
This is why grief and loss don’t have prescribed stages. You can’t be certain at the beginning what will have to go, or be rebuilt, or created from an entirely new, blank slate.
And yet, as I write these words, I can tell you that there is hope out there.
When to Seek Help
Every episode of grief is different. You might have handled it well before but find yourself struggling this time around.
There are times when you don’t want to do anything. The things that you once enjoyed are suddenly very difficult to face and enjoy.
You might be asking: “How do I know if I need to seek professional help?” The simple answer is: if you feel you need to.
Ask yourself: “Am I caring for myself well enough? Am I neglecting vital areas of my life?”
Maybe it’s time to involve a professional.
Grief is like physical pain: the more you fight it, the worse it gets. So, don’t fight it! Relax into your sadness and pain, and allow the feelings to surface, whatever they are, with a professional who can serve as a support during a time when others don’t understand.