Does anybody remember “Hell Is For Children” by Pat Benatar? The line that always gets me is where the child is being told to lie. All the creative lies abusers use to entrap the child, and it causes them to believe the greatest fault of all: you are the one who is bad, and you are the one who did the wrong or bad thing.
No, the child is an innocent.
Lies spin off into secrets, and many times those who abuse are let off because the child firmly believes the lies they are told and are commanded to tell. It is this hell that brings adults to my Zoom-based office.
When I tell someone seeking treatment that the cycle can be broken, there are times when I’m not believed, and with good reason: they’ve been lied to so much that what I say is perceived as just another person spinning a tall tale.
The sad part of all of the above is that the abusers involve the innocent “other” in the process. The parent, grandparent, sibling, or another is unknowingly manipulated to become part of a destructive dance. This dance serves the perpetrator, and no one else. In a child’s mind they, too, become part of the hellish secret they are commanded to keep.
While kids are becoming more aware of abuse issues and other psychological issues such as suicide, it doesn’t mean that they will talk about it. They may talk about it with a friend, and the friend might have the wisdom to get to adult help.
It isn’t always that way.
When, in my twenties, I finally shared what had happened to me, my father asked why I didn’t speak up as a child. “Daddy, do you remember a conversation you had with_________? Do you remember that he spoke up before I could say anything to you?” My father began to cry. Yes, he remembered. I was never given a chance to tell, because in the 1960s things like abuse didn’t happen, and if they did, they weren’t spoken of. The pervert knew this, and knowing the dynamics of marking one’s targets for repeat offense is an art. It damaged my parental relationship. The perp got just what he wanted: me, and countless others.
Ironically, my saving grace was that before I was eight, my parents had a group talk with me and my older siblings about healthy touching. So, when the abuse happened, deep inside I knew I wasn’t at fault.
Still, it was a secret, and I couldn’t tell because I’d been set up to not be believed. Part of the setup was the patriarchy dynamic of the Mormon Church.
This leads me back to secrets.
Mormonism, and Mormon homes, hold many secrets.
Church secrets range from “don’t say anything about your new church assignment” to confidential matters. The issue with this is, what, really, is confidential? This leaks into the home, where you aren’t supposed to talk about your new assignment or “calling,” and bleeds off into the unhealthy dynamic of family secrets, such as someone’s pregnancy or mental illness.
No matter what religion or non-religion a family participates in, secrets are a sign of dysfunction in a home. Should there be boundaries? Yes. Should we respect a family member who asks that their privacy be respected? Yes. There is a big difference between the command not to tell anyone, and the person asking someone to respect another’s privacy and to keep things confidential. At the same time, confidentiality is not about holding back information that places another person in physical or mental danger. When a child discovers that Santa and the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy are Mom and Dad, a healthy parenting style will bring the child into the “let your brothers and sisters discover this for themselves” place. Children are able to understand that type of knowing vs. being told not to tell. This positive regard for healthy behavior also enables the child to grasp what is safe to hold inside, and what needs to be told.
Having said all of this, what’s a kid to do? Most children in a situation where abuse and secrets are involved hold it all in and arrive at the therapist office not able to trust or believe in much.
When I saw children in my practice, I could work with them in the places they were. I‘ve found that most kids get to adulthood and need to do more work in an adult way.
What about the kid that can’t bring friends home? They know their home is different from their friends’. Once again, it’s the secret that the child is keeping to themself. Not because they’ve been told to bury it, but because of shame or fear: “What if my mother or father’s awfulness is discovered?” Young children learn to hide what isn’t good.
In the past two decades, research from the National Institute on Drug Abuse is also showing a decline in the use of drugs (alcohol is a drug) by younger adults. Maybe younger adults are cluing in to the damage done by the past behavior of their parents. My observation is that they want something better for themselves and their children. Maybe older sober adults want that same better thing for their children and grandchildren.
Is there hope that the cycle of secrets can be broken? It is all about speaking up, and then doing the healing because of the damage that has been done. Abuse, to secrets, to a dance of destruction will end when the victims give voice to it.