Facing the Storm Head-On

When I wrote “Psychotherapy Soup,” I failed to mention one thing: showing up authentically to the therapy session. This might sound like a strange statement that I just made, and it was an omission on my part. So, I’m making up for it now.

I’m finding in screening clients who call me that those being referred from a list produced by a third party might be sent to the wrong therapist, or the right therapist at the wrong time!

It is my job to understand when you are ready for me, and when there might be a step before you begin work with me. You may not know, until you talk with a therapist, the path you need to take. This is why we offer consultations, and the chance to figure out if it is the right time for the fit, and the right fit for both of us.

For example: you might want to avail yourself of the hospice chaplain before the person dies. Then you might want to give it a while to see IF you really need to do more work around your loss. In this age of the “instant” fix, waiting is a good thing, and it is becoming a lost skill. On the other hand, when you are a year out, and you or someone else notices your lack of functioning, it might be time to give yourself the opportunity to get connected with the right therapist for you. This means that you may have to vet some people.

How can you vet a therapist when your brain isn’t fully functioning? Take the time to ask friends. I say this because in this period of your grief, your concentration, sleeping, and moods may all be out of sync. It can take time to get back into a synced space. In 2026 we’re still in that place of the instant everything. People want to move on to the next relationship, but they might not want to walk the path of the journey, and it is a path that does serve a purpose. People are avoiding the work of going through it to get to the place of being raw and sitting with some super uncomfortable stuff. Some people want to get to the other shore before they’ve done the work of crossing Styx.

The catch in all of this is that you need to be able to show up authentically so that you can do the real work of healing.

Healing is really hard work. Grief is not for wimps! It takes major guts to sit in a session, and to let it all hang out, and then to claim the pain, the loss, the sorrow, and to face the truth in the relationship that has been lost. The fact is that even good or great relationships need a good sorting out! Fear is one of the reasons people may be quick to find someone new and not go through all the grieving process that they need to complete before moving forward in a healthy manner.

I recall at somewhere between year three and four, when the ugly crying was all cried out and the new tears came into being, that I realized I could finally face the sorting of this marriage I’d been in. Here I was, and then, and only then, was I able to do the work of facing the caregiving, and the fact that his bipolar disorder had put me into a place of compassion fatigue. This was close to the four-year mark of his death! He’d done the deed in 2016, and now, smack, in the middle of the pandemic, I’m coming to terms with having to face the truth about what I’d lived through, and what I’d done. 

It is known that people who have to settle complicated estates may not begin to grieve until the last meetings with lawyers and the courts are finally behind them. It is then that the real tears come, and people in their lives think to themselves, “Why are they falling apart now? They’ve been so strong.” NO, they were in survival mode. Now, two or three years out, they can finally let loose with the grief.

Grief takes the form it needs to take until the body and the mind can let it all out.

And so, showing up to a therapist’s office in an authentic way might take time because while you know you may need to do the work of healing, you aren’t ready to do the work because the time isn’t right.

Therapists lack crystal balls. While some of us might possess a gut sense for things because we’ve hung out in this space for some time, our knowing is limited.

I’m pretty good at sensing in a call or a first session if this is a good fit. I’m also not afraid to tell you I’m not the right person for you. I think that some people view finding a therapist as a shopping excursion. You go into the shop and see something you like. You figure that it will do just fine. Then, you get it home, and you find that it is all wrong. Now, can you take it back? Maybe, and maybe not.

What would the experience of shopping be like if you did some research before you purchased something? In March I was looking for a new dress, and my usual online sources were not working for me, and so, like the intelligent soul I was, I put out feelers on Facebook. Two friends responded, and they told me about an online source I didn’t know about. It solved my desire for dots, and it allowed me to discover a place that had dresses I like. It also answered the question of how I will rebuild my wardrobe for the spring and summer.

The fact is that it is OK to research until the right person is found. That being said, don’t be so selective that you pass over a good therapist.

I’ve spoken about my own journey of healing with grief and trauma. It took me about four months of meeting therapists and screening them out to know that I needed to see if a therapist I knew would be willing to work with me. I knew after shopping around that I’d found the person. The question for me was: Am I willing to give up one relationship to benefit the relationship of healing? Was I also ready to do some intense work, and take the time it would take to do that work? I realized that there would be no perfect time to do what needed to be done. I wrote a mail, and we met. I told him that I expected him to treat me as a client/patient and not like a therapist who knew about therapy. I would show up as myself, do the work in an authentic manner, and I was enabled to clear the battlement and the iceberg out in the ocean. The deal was that I had to be willing to show up and not mess around.

The other part of the deal was that I had to be willing to go through some scary stuff, and do it alone. I say that because the stuff I cleared isn’t stuff you really should put on friends.

Doing the work of healing is all about courage. Facing the work in the moment it happens takes guts, and it isn’t for wimps. It’s about facing the storm head-on and believing that you can get past it by going through it, because on the other side there is a better way of being. Well, in 2026 the storm has blown out.