The Civility of Kind Words

This year, as part of Lent, I gave up swearing because I noticed I was doing too much of it. I didn’t like what I was hearing my own mouth say. Now, swearing has caused me to become aware of another something in society.

I’m getting irritated by people using the word “bitch.” I’m getting annoyed by the disrespect it shows to women. I’m also saddened that women tolerate being called bitch. So, I’m going to voice my thoughts.

If a woman stands her ground and asserts her needs, she is often called a bitch, even though what she is doing is the healthy thing for herself. People, an assertive woman should be celebrated! She should be held up as an example! She knows what she needs, and will go to the mat for it.

I don’t respect a man who calls a woman a bitch. There is never a reason to do that, and in my mind, it only proves to me that the man involved isn’t very aware of who he is and is only showing his disrespect for women. Calling a woman a bitch is also a form of verbal abuse.

The fact is that the use of the word has become so common that is has lost its meaning. Society is downgrading itself to a new low.

In our rush to become cool and hooked into social media, are we rushing too fast and not realizing what we’re leaving behind? Civility.

Authors such as Jonathan Haidt have been commenting on the damage of media as it relates to children and adolescents. I’m seeing it in my practice with younger adult clients and their use of media. I’m hearing it as the person uses blanket terms to talk about someone. When I ask them to slow down and identify how they feel, I often hear: “I don’t know.” And yet, when someone does slow to identify what they are feeling, they are pleasantly surprised by what they discover. People have sped things up so that they no longer have the insight they could have. It is as if people don’t want to slow down and think. It has become easier to distract ourselves from our own personal truth.

I’ll give you an example. I can easily pick up on when someone has a search going on during the therapy session. Distraction comes in many forms. The fact is, we’ve become a society that wants it now, and can’t wait if we can’t have it instantly. What happened to the slow-cooked soup? We go with the flow, and we don’t stop to think about calling a woman a bitch because now it is just done. During a conversation, we aren’t focused on the present but distracted by needing to know something RIGHT now. Here’s a news flash: Your being on the screen when I’m in a conversation with you is rude. Just like calling a woman a bitch shows great disrespect for others.

Society has become too engrossed in the fast fix to stop, put the phone, the pad, or the computer on hold. We’ve forgotten the human equation. We’ve forgotten about giving each other the courtesy of time. It makes me think of what Crichton said in Jurassic Park. To summarize: the technology exists but should it be used? Don’t get me wrong about tech: I’m the owner of a Mac, an Air, an iPhone, and the watch. They are tools! In a conversation I set them all down, and I listen to the person in front of me. And now, I’m in the place of teaching others to show some respect. It is about the person. And yet, you see disrespect on the screen. It’s that some writers are displaying poor writing skills, and if the writer doesn’t have good verbal skills, they can’t convey in a script the appropriate emotions along with the proper social skills. What winds up being portrayed is something that is less accurate. That is what becomes the norm due to the fact that people believe what is on the screen over reality. It makes me think of the mother asking her kid: “So, if everyone walked over the edge, would you?” The fact of the matter is that, in many ways, we’re allowing each other to walk over the edge without giving much thought to our actions, and parents are allowing their children to walk off the cliff! As Maya Angelou stated: “When you know better, you do better.” Society, take note: We can, and must, do better. Researchers such as Brené Brown and Jonathan Haidt are pointing out where we’re messing up.

It seems like society has lost track of what healthy norms are! It is time to know better, and do better in so many ways. It is time to not rush to judgement about “the other person.” It is time to slow down, breathe, and ask ourselves if we want to be treated as poorly as we might be treating others.

Do we really want to have our words work for, or against us?

Over a decade ago another woman called me a bitch. I stopped her and explained to her that while she thought she was being socially cool, I did not appreciate the remark. I am not a bitch. That is disrespectful to me, and to all women. It shocked her. She had education. What she didn’t have was good social education. I became a parental role model for her because I didn’t let her calling me a bitch slide. No one had ever taken the time to educate her about that social nicety. If you don’t know, then now you are learning.

I’d like to propose that we think of civility in terms of letting it begin with each of us. “Let there be civility on earth, and let it begin with my words, and actions.”