Meeting Ourselves in New Ways

The holidays were once a magical time of the year. Maybe growing up changes it all. I think about the Gloria Estefan song “Christmas Through Your Eyes” and I wonder.

Downstairs, I have the container where the tree is stored, and another box that contains the treasures for the tree. I’ve got everything out and will slowly set the tree up and string the lights.

Ah, stringing the lights! My mother and I got over 3K on our family tree one year. That tree was lit up like a masterpiece. It took us all morning, and the effect was spectacular! We didn’t repeat the act, as it involved twist ties! What a wonderful memory. We took pruning shears to the tree to dismantle the lights. Like I said, never again. Looking back on it, we must have taken an insane capsule.

Last night, as I stood in my living room, I longed for all the pretty bows that I had on my first Christmas tree. I was an adult living single in Oakland. Oh, how I long for those bows.

As I stood there, I realized that things have changed. The past three years have taken me on a soul journey. While it began well over two decades ago, it didn’t pick up speed until after Jon’s death. His suicide, and all that followed, have altered my life in ways that I could not have expected.

With the wisdom of age, I realize that I wasn’t ready for this as a younger adult. Change happens when the conditions are right. We need to be ready to explore ourselves in new ways, and we need to greet the exploration with eagerness for the new path forward.

I’ve softened as I’ve explored who I am. Looking at your shadow has its upside! The only downside is that if you’re not ready, the shadow work won’t take. I suppose that is what opened me up to looking at the demons. We all have them, and mine resided on the battlement for decades! This time the admiral on that boat out at sea knew it was time. My iceberg has really melted.

This year, the gift of Christmas is a deep inner healing. This year, I realize that I had to be fully ready to do the deep soul searching that would lead to real peace.

And so, I wondered last night if I should put it all away and leave Advent out. I’m keeping it all out, including the 500 lights that will get put up on the tree. I’ll have to do it alone. That won’t be fun. What an end to 2025.

In 2026 I’ll mark the tenth year since Jon’s death. I’m ok with this. It feels right to move forward in life. There are some not-so-good-things to rush into after a death, and I’ve taken my time not rushing into anything. To be honest, I like certain things about living single once again.

This is a post about a grief journey as much as a soul journey. Just as navigation of the river of life has amazed me, and I’ve had my WOW moments, I’ve also had seasons of recognition. Grief has seasons: so does life. I think I’m doing autumn now in a better way. Once again, this season is gifting me with a great redo!

Life is about meeting ourselves in new ways. Each time we pass through the hard stuff of change.

Haven’t I begun a post like this before? Another loop in time. Here I go again!