Slipping into Chaos
I’m in mourning. As I sit here in The Netherlands and observe a nation I was once so proud to call my own, I can no longer utter words of pride. Oh, USA, where have you gone to? It used to be that I would want to visit, and to eat my way from one place to another. Now, I wonder what will be there for me when I board my flight in May to visit.
As an expatriate, I’ve chosen to live here because life is better for me here. I can get a bus, and then a train, and get anywhere. I can walk from point to point knowing that I can be independent.
I decided to stay here on this side of the pond after my husband’s death. I needed time to think, and this turned out to be a good place to do the thinking.
In staying here, I once again committed to put down my roots here. Now, here I am, watching from a distance as a land I was once proud to call mine slips into chaos.
My heart is heavy as I watch in sadness as nations react and wonder about the why of it all. History is happening before us. What will we do about it? There are no easy answers to this question.
Maybe this is about choosing to look at the reality of it all and not deny what is happening. While we can allow ourselves to feel the sadness of it all, just mourning the loss of what once was isn’t enough.
Earlier today as I scrolled my Facebook page, I became so aware of how those posts don’t change much. I’m placed in a position to feel compassion for many, and yet the words don’t help me to find a path through.
I’ve posted about our disappearing villages, finding sanctuary, and breaking away from the trauma of life events. As I write this, I know these things matter, and I also know it feels as if it is not enough.
Once again, I return to the things that guide my life: service to others, listening to others, and enabling others to look deep into themselves.
Right now, the Christian world celebrates Lent. Most people understand Lent as a time to give something up. What if we add more compassion, more service to others, and move charitable giving into the mix? This year, after much contemplation, I added rather than removed. I started a few days late, due to my uncertainty about what I needed to do for myself to grow in new ways.
As I sit here and write the words, I’m finding that while I’m mourning this loss of a nation, I’m able to face the collapse in a healthier way. I’m also able to act and not panic. Where we’ll all be in the future is an unknown. We may or may not be able to control some of the choices we must make.
I think about my passport. I think about how I used to look at it, and all the stamps I have in it from places I’ve been. I think about my past passports, and how they were also filled with stamps from wonderful places. There are places I suspect I won’t be visiting again. I choose to believe it can get better. I choose to believe that if I do my small part, it will help. I choose to hold my head high and face this all honestly. I choose hope.
