Saying “WOW!”
This last weekend, I began a project that I thought could be done in three days. It turns out that it won’t be done until I move through everything slowly. I’m reading every post on my blog! It is bringing up memories, tears, and moments where I pause with a “WOW, did I write that?!”
Reading through everything has been on my mind for some time, and I’d hoped to do it over the holiday period. It didn’t happen because another project that would also take me into emotional places took precedence. And so, life rolls on with its twists and turns. The bumps on the path are many.
What I’m learning from the reading is that grief and loss are teachers, and some of what they instruct us in is the unknown. The fact is a psychic with a crystal ball could not have told me what I now am understanding. When I gaze back over time, I wouldn’t take any of what I’ve learned back—none of it. It has sobered me, broadened my understanding, and increased my empathy. It has also pulled me up short and challenged me not to judge in new ways. I’ve gone back to school. For this I’m thankful.
The reason the reading is going slowly is that reading all of my writing is bringing back so much. The tears come, and the feelings of where I was then flood into my mind. I must pause and think about it all. What I thought would be a technical exercise is not technical at all: it is a feeling exercise.
I recall the day I sat here, and as I gazed out my window to my right, and saw the sun on a window across the way, I reflected on the bad parts of the marriage. I sobbed. I had given myself full permission to do the work of serious searching. You can’t grieve only the easy and safe things. Grief work is about the good and the bad, and it is ugly. I sat there looking out and continued to sob. Then, when it had been let out, I was able to give it voice and admit to it. Compassion fatigue had blocked some things out.
So many people write on grief, and some of them mistakenly think that their solution, their workbook or program will fix it all. When I went back to work after Jon’s death, I was advised to write up a program and package it in a workbook. I declined that idea for one reason: no two people will have the same circumstances around grief and loss. I won’t grieve like you, and you certainly will not walk the path I’ve been on. The best resources I’ve found are good books and a good spiritual director. This time around I’d done the therapy work. I needed to refocus in new ways. I didn’t find that in a book: I found this path via community who were doing grief work in different ways. At this point in my life, the spiritual called out to me.
I’m not saying not to look at things. Just know that you might find helpful tools but not complete solutions.
I will continue to read the entire blog, and it will teach me new things. I will continue to be amazed at the teacher in my own words. How time allows us to reach back, and move us forward. Time pushes us off the bench for a second and third walk forward. When will it end? The journey doesn’t end: the view on the horizon changes, and as we look back and see the carnage of our past, we look forward and say “WOW!”
