Tag: Healing the trauma

The Muddy Place

Posted on by Gail Shurtleff in Everything Mental Health

Author’s note: I don’t condone the use of psychedelics for recreational purposes. I do recognize that there are psychedelics that can be used with positive outcomes for some psychiatric disorders. I am not a psychiatrist. You need to consult the proper medical person about using psychedelics. They should understand the proper use, and the protocols for their use.

In September I attended the Oxford trauma conference. It got me thinking about a question I’ve had for a while.

I want to talk about depression, trauma, and suicide. There are components of trauma in depression, and sometimes a person with depression considers suicide, and this is where it gets tricky. I’ll attempt to explain this dynamic.

When a person is depressed, their brain isn’t functioning correctly, and this is why finding the right drug is useful. The right drug will allow the brain to bypass the depression and cause things to work correctly. All of a sudden, when the pills kick in, neurons do what neurons should do. A person dealing with depression needs a pill to make it happen correctly. You can function again! I’m giving you the quick and simple explanation here. So, swallow the pill, and get out of bed to greet the day. This is when the cocktail you need to swallow works. You might need to adjust the cocktail periodically to keep things headed in the right direction. For most people, drugs and talk therapy are a good combination.  

What do you do when the drugs don’t work? Some depression is treatment resistant. Some depression is caused by the environment the person lives in. If the depression is caused by environment, getting free of that place is a good beginning. It is possible that the body has learned to be depressed; a good psychiatrist can help you use drugs in a limited way to help break the cycle. You must leave the toxic environment and find a good therapist who you can work with on overcoming the conditioning of the environment.

With treatment-resistant depression, no matter what the psychiatrist tries, no matter how fancy the cocktail of drugs is, the person struggles with the daily activities of life. They function on a limited basis. Some days are good, and others aren’t. This is where trauma and hopelessness come into a person’s life. The world has begun to turn the shade of a muddy yellow-brown, and slowly that is how the world is seen: no rose-colored glasses for these folks. It is an ugly color mix. This is where danger lies. You are too depressed to really think, and you don’t have the energy to think everything through. The person is trapped in the sludge of life—think of it as really slow-acting quicksand.

At some point in time the mind begins to ask the question that leads down a path that many see as forbidden: suicide. This is where the real trauma seeps into a person’s life. How can I think this? The shock and horror that I could consider ending my life can breed trauma within the soul. How could this thought be present in me? The muddy place thickens, and if you voice these concerns, friends panic, therapists jump to make a suicide contract, which doesn’t really work for those serious about ending it, and the person having the thought might shut down due to fear and social stigma. This only deepens the traumatic process going on inside.

As a therapist I am legally bound to keep a person safe, and that means prevent harm to self or others. As a therapist I want to have you talk about and explore your thoughts and fears. My job is to offer you a safe place to be heard.

In many ways, the person is facing an existential crisis of epic proportions: to stay and live, or to shut it all down. When a person thinks in this way, they’ve entered the war zone of thought. I don’t want a land mine to be triggered. You defuse the land mine by gently digging in around it, getting the fuse, and defusing it. I don’t want to blow it up. In this case, that is the wrong method of destruction.

I believe in hearing a person’s story and allowing them to come to terms with who they are and what they must face in life.

I listen, and you tell me your story. We find a way in to defuse the stuff inside. Together, we clear land mines. We hope for healthy defusing.

And now, there is something wonderful happening for people who are depressed and traumatized.

With all the buzz about MDMA, and the hope around its legalization for use in treatment of psychiatric disorders, it will be interesting to watch what can happen with its ethical use. I’m aware of its use for several DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) disorders.

Used correctly, and with medical supervision, there might be a pathway into the mind that could relieve the trauma of depression for many who suffer.

Don’t jump yet. MDMA has a medical protocol, and it might not be right for everyone. Don’t run out seeking this on the street. It is dosage specific and needs to be administered in a safe environment, and with a therapist and psychiatrist supervising the process. Used incorrectly and recreationally, ecstasy can damage a healthy brain. Used with clinical degression, it can serve as a healing agent.

This brings me to the question I’ve been mulling over: Could Jon have found some relief with MDMA? My answer at this point in time is that it might have enabled him to have some relief from the deep trauma that the depression had caused, but he would not have been a good candidate for this type of therapy due to a preexisting bipolar diagnosis. The protocol would have screened him out because bipolar and drugs aren’t a good idea.

Here I sit with hope for some, and hope that someday there will be hope for so many trapped in the muddy place.

Exiting the Stuff-It Club

Posted on by Gail Shurtleff in Discharging Trauma

The battlement is empty, the communication office has shut down, and unemployment has been granted to all. I think they are sipping drinks on the warm beaches of their dreams. Hmm, did those imaginary souls have imaginary bucket lists? Oh, before I get too silly, I’ll move forward.

I want to note here that it is somewhat risky to admit that I sought treatment for trauma. I have done the writing I have to inform people, and to normalize what I have done. I’m exiting the “stuffing-it club.”

If you had asked this former professional “stuff-it” expert at any age if I’d be writing these words, I’d have laughed you out of the space we were both in. I flash back in my mind to the young Gail in her twenties, and the therapist that should have been able to see a wee bit more than she did. I give her grace and grant her a pass. She walked me out of one mess, and it was good.

The fact of psychotherapy is that in the 1970s we didn’t know enough about PTSD or any form of trauma to treat it effectively. Some of what is now listed in the Diagnostic and Statical Manual (DSM) wasn’t there, and is only present now because of what we know now, and have learned, and will continue to learn. Cut us some slack.

In the late 1980s it was a short encounter with a therapist who enabled me to ask myself one or two vital questions. The guy served his purpose well.  

In the 1990s two therapists taught me about approaches to healing that I needed to experience. I was able to count those hours as part of the state requirement for therapy. However, I’d stuffed childhood into the deep reaches of my mind. It lived there until in 2023. I knew I’d need to pull it out and finally take it all apart. You’ve read the posts about the journey. A few hundred words into this post, I want to talk about what is happening to me now.

About two weeks ago the end of the process happened. OK, not the full end, but the end of the process of working through all the trauma.

As the dust settles and I sit with myself, the things I notice are good, and at the same time I understand that I’m going to need to grieve some things that could have been different: things that could have been and never will be. Saying goodbye to the past in a healthy way also means greeting the present in the spirit of grace and mercy for myself. Saying hello to the present means facing what has been missed out on and making peace with it. I did the stuffing, and I’ll claim it.

Well now, this is a new type of grief. I can do this!

I started to notice the changes in my responses to everyday things shortly after the end of the process came. This first one is huge: I don’t say shit and fuck the way I once did. Swearing is shorthand for getting what we’re feeling out fast. Fine, go ahead and let it rip, and then after the shorthand try to do the long response. I believe that because the calm has come into my life. I’m in a place to react to the nutty things in a calm manner. Here’s an example: I got a mail informing me that the government wants a crazy amount of money from me. I did what many would do: I let a few choice words rip. Then, I pulled back for an entire weekend and thought about how to do this ugly thing. Both responses were needed, and I was able to work through possible solutions. Am I happy about what I’ll have to do? NO. However, getting there in a calm fashion is a great outcome. I’m also liking myself better for what doesn’t happen to me now. The anger was not who I am.

Another positive outcome from doing this kind of work is that I see things in a new way. I’m a good therapist: this I know due to client feedback, and being in touch with myself. Because of what I’ve done for myself, I’m an even better therapist. The reason why I can hold out with grace for my past therapists and myself is that I get that they can’t be judged for what they couldn’t and didn’t know. I wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened to me.

In 2026 we now understand how trauma affects the body and the mind. We understand about feedback loops and responses to things, and we get how the brain and body learn to respond to trauma. I can also send someone to a psychiatrist to see if medication is indicated. At the appropriate time I might also refer someone to needed allied specialists that are out of my scope of practise. Now, within mental health, we’ve got options that your parents didn’t have!

I want to mention that all therapists should keep a supervisor on the payroll. We also need to have the ability to take things to our own therapists. A second pair of eyeballs on our own issues is a must. I’m thankful that I have the needed eyeballs.

Twirling in My Mind and Heart

Posted on by Gail Shurtleff in Discharging Trauma

Moving into a place where I can say that the work of healing is complete has been a process of reclaiming my heart, my head, and a few pretty new dresses. I feel like I’m on a fantastic journey.

I’ve crushed on an iceberg and fallen headfirst into a delightful new place of being. It only took forever to get here! I’m alive!

What can I say but “Welcome to your new world, Gail.”

If I had known then what I now know, I’d have taken my own therapeutic advice and done all of this sooner. Or would I have?

I think part of getting professional help is all about timing and feeling good about doing it. This process comes from within, and one of the challenges people face is finding the right fit.

Sometimes people get lucky and they connect with the right fit from the first try, and other times it is a series of calls and sessions. Sometimes a person will not understand why the therapist wants to refer—yet again—to another therapist. We’re doing it for you, the client, because whatever the reason, it isn’t a good fit.

In my journey, I went through several therapists before I found the right professional. My process was helped by the fact that I knew and understood what I needed to be looking for from someone who did the work I needed to be guided through. I had more than one “nope, not it” situation. I followed my gut, tapped into my resources, and finally said yes to a gifted mind surgeon. We matched well. I’m glad I had the patience to ride it out.

Things have changed in so many ways, and now as I near the finish line for one portion of the process, I begin to see what needs to happen next.

Soon, it will be mop-up time: the time after the battle when you do the cleaning and are able to see the new area for real.

I don’t feel sad; I feel a sense of peace. I can claim my life in a new way.

Yesterday I was interviewed for a podcast. I put on a pretty dress, did my hair, and sat in a calm state of mind. When it was done, I realized that this would be a two-parter. I spoke about the process I’d been through in the last ten years as it related to my church life. For the first time in a long time, peace ruled the process. I’m finding that, in a happy way, I’m unpeeling the new, yet old, personality of Gail. It is the Gail who enjoyed a pretty dress and always will. It is the Gail who can twirl in delight over happy things. It is also the Gail who now stands as a new adult to say, “This is the real me, stand aside, I need to do new things in my life.”

Healing is about being able to calmly think and reason through the essential things of life. It is about being intact in new ways and allowing for reason to rule where it once failed because you were too busy broadcasting out to the captain on the vessel. We can now look at the stuff we had to send out to the iceberg, discharge it, and celebrate a life built and based on safety and a peaceful heart and mind.

Recently, a friend began a GoFundMe for her disabled son. I heard her words, read the post, and decided what I was willing to give. In the past I would have made a choice to give but I would have jumped through the hoop of being unreasonable in my donation. It felt good to press the button on this, and not vacillate over doing so.

Lately, I’m thinking that I’m liking my personal life much more than I did a year ago. I’m not hiding anymore. It is liberating!

Last week I splurged on myself and allowed myself to buy two fine dresses for my birthday that will arrive in April. Hopefully, the warm weather will come too.

I realized that I’ll need some warm things for the winter, and this time it will be things that I really like because settling is no longer an option. This is all exciting and wonderful, and I’m liking this part of the process.

I couldn’t have done this in any other way, and I celebrate the time it took. Moving towards the real me is a gift. I’ll be twirling in my mind and my heart, and I can’t resist the smile that is breaking out on my face. The end of this portion of the journey is close!