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Posts tagged ‘Enneagram for self-growth’

Dec 12

Who I’m Becoming

Lately, I’ve been on a spree of noticing the good people in the world. As I’ve put the sledgehammer down, it has opened up a pathway to the understanding that there are so many good souls in the world. This is liberating! I’ve noticed that focusing on the good in the world is creating space within me to reduce stress. That is a huge discovery for me.

The path that I’ve been walking since making the transition from the Eight who was the warrior to the Eight who is learning to see the world from its peaceful and gentler place is illuminating. In the past few months, my life has become calmer and more creative, and I’ve seen the old rainbow in powerful new ways. I’m finding I’m an all-around better soul for the switch. I see more goodness in the world, and in the general population as a whole. I see more goodness in myself. The feedback from others is that they are seeing it in me.

I’m willing to offer up more generosity and new ways of viewing others’ actions. This doesn’t mean I’m an easy sale. I can still question and think things through. There are still ways that I’m a skeptic. I choose to question my assumptions and to pause to act from trust and insight. I’m trying to think before I “fire” at someone. The joke about enneagram type Eights is that we speak or “fire” before we should. While we don’t do this all of the time, we do do it, and I’ve noticed that my stress levels are down. I need to work on getting better at it.

I’m open to the positive of less stress and more peace. While talking with my spiritual director, I mentioned that what I’m feeling is a good “weird,” and that I like it. It is growth that I thought I’d never do. I was invested in my Eight type in so many ways. Growth in every way is good. What makes the growth journey so worth the price we pay for doing the work is that there is always a wonderful surprise hidden inside. I’ll take mine with a creamy chocolate center filled with mint. This reminds me that I need to run to my favorite chocolate shoppe for a taste of what I love to celebrate with. Self-care is important.

I admit that in many ways I’m stumped by all of this, and I don’t know what to think or write. 

Enneagram type Eight behaviors stem from feelings of needing to protect others as well as ourselves. We are vigilant warriors who observe those around us. In our not-so-healthy places, we don’t stop to ask ourselves, or others, if they want our protection. We react. We skip the ready and aim, and we jump straight to the fire portion. And then we pay a price.

Recently, I tried to protect someone who didn’t want me to step in to protect them. I realized what I’d done, and in noticing the error of my ways, I am attempting to notice when I feel the urge to do this unwanted firing thing.

I’m learning to offer up space that allows for someone to do what they would do without my interference. Oh my, I’m learning from my mother. She was good at setting this boundary with herself and others. While she had her share of stress with two disabled children, she didn’t have time to cross the boundary with others.

As I think about all of this, I wonder why I didn’t see it sooner. I didn’t see it sooner because I didn’t understand what I was doing, and how it affected me and others. Sometimes, the only way to create change in ourselves is to do the thing in such a way that we can’t help but notice it. The last few weeks I’ve been noticing the not-so-helpful behaviors. I’m not embarrassed; I’m thankful that I at least caught myself in the process and can begin to change it all.

Often, when people catch themselves going to these uncomfortable places, the tendency is to run a negative script that berates the self. I have a family member who would exclaim, “I’m an idiot.” While it was said in humor, it wasn’t, and isn’t, funny. By now my regular readers know what’s coming: cut yourself a bit of slack and practice some grace for yourself.

How do I fix things? The first step is recognizing that there are no bad people, and that mistakes are present for us to learn from them. As we learn, we can do better. It helps to step back and think of someone in our life who showed us they cared about us. We can ask ourselves if they would want us to get into a place of blaming ourselves.

Breaking the negative cycle of self-talk is difficult, and the longer we put it off, the more it builds within us.

Changing requires getting feedback from those you can trust. It doesn’t take a village to offer the feedback: a few good people who you respect and trust will do the job. One observation is that the more we can learn to trust ourselves, the more we can create an attitude of trusting others. I realize trust is an entirely different post. Trust is about creating solid relationships, and relationships take time, and hard work. Relationships are a good place to learn and grow, and they are a place where we should be free to make mistakes. Relationships are laboratories of learning. We become more of ourselves when we engage with others. Who I’m becoming is a better person, and that is good enough.  

Jul 17

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Eight

Two years ago, I began to attend courses on the enneagram. I’m a type eight. Yes, the one that so many look at as “the worst.” But I don’t agree. I claim who I am proudly! Others have differing personality types with their strengths and weaknesses. I’ll own mine.

When I first read the description of an eight, I was repelled. It didn’t feel flattering. I did not want to see it, let alone identify as an eight. It took me some time to accept that I am all of it, the ugly along with the great things, and there are so many wonderful things about who I am!

The enneagram is a spiritual growth tool. One of the benefits of using the enneagram is that a person can learn to work on the not-so-healthy parts of themselves and move forward into health. This is the journey we are all on: self-discovery and improvement. I embrace this journey fully.   

This last week I was asked by another course attendee what I liked about being an eight. To answer the question, I decided to write this post.

When I first read about who eights are personality-wise, all I could see in the words were the negatives. To tell you all the truth, I readily identified with the harshness that we as type eights can hold ourselves to. I possess an inner critic that pushes me to do my best. I’m not a perfectionist: I require that I do my best, and that I be satisfied with being good enough. I’ve really had to work on this part of myself. Accepting ourselves as good enough is a battle because society tries to force a belief that perfection must be achieved at all costs. I disagree, and see the damage that perfectionism can cause. Let there be “good enough” and let it begin with me.

I am thankful that my “knowing” can also cause me to question. I believe that this quality enables me to sit with the uncertainties, and to learn more about what I once thought were absolute truths. I like that in a crisis situation, I can respond with the ability to provide a workable solution.

We’re leaders, and sometimes we fall into the trap of protecting those whom we see as vulnerable in negative ways. We can also speak to the need to protect the vulnerable and hold deep compassion for their struggles. I’m becoming aware of when this is healthy, and when it isn’t such a good thing.

I like the way in which I’m challenged to confront myself in the mirror of life. I believe one of the strengths we as eights have is to come out of our denial, and to look at our weaknesses. We might spend time fighting the truth about ourselves, and when we embrace what we must embrace, we dig in deep and work to understand ourselves better. I really like this about myself.

I don’t like that there is a part of me that goes to vengeance. I do this when I feel the need to protect myself or others. It is ugly. I’m coming to understand that in challenging my need to protect, and to mount the campaign to go to war over what I perceive as unjust, I first need to look inside and explore myself before I aim and fire.

Which leads me to the fact that we as eights have a tendency to fire first before we even aim or are ready to aim. We can be dense and asleep to how our harsh reactions can affect the fragile souls of others. When we come to understand what our actions may be doing to someone, we can challenge ourselves to that part of ourselves that desires to protect in healthy, compassionate ways. Understanding the enneagram is enabling me to be kind and gentle to myself. I can use my two arrow to give to myself in softer and gentler ways. I can drop into my five arrow, which I do often. I use this arrow to observe myself and others. My five arrow is one of the things I credit to bringing balance to the eight within.

I like the part of me that will explore and is curious. I like the fact that people know that I’m dependable. I also understand that if I set a boundary or a limit to what I can take on in life, it is understood that I’m at my limit.

I am learning to trust in new ways. I like the fact that my vulnerability teaches me that I can do this hard thing.

I have done the activism that I’ve needed to do in my life, and I listen to the call to change my life direction and to try a new path. I’m excited for this new thing. I sense that this is the best thing about eights: when we’ve done the work around our knowing and can sense our new direction, we can and do act boldly.

I love being an eight!